Dísir's Mind

6 Months

2008-02-11T21:19:29Z

All right, so a few things have changed since the last time I posted. I'm married, my daughter was born, I'm living in North Carolina, I have a new friend: her name is Sam, and I've mostly been miserable. I married my daughter's father and my on-again, off-again boyfriend of 5 years... Richard is working at Circut city back in Fort Myers, still with his mom, but slowly getting enough money to go to college or do something with his life. Margie and I talk every now and again... but not too terribly often. Kat, well... I don't know about Kat. I've called her several times, but I guess she's just busy with the band or something. Ofi hasn't had a very good year from what I can tell. A very good friend of ours turned out to not be such a great person so neither of us have spoken to him since an incident that happened on Christmas. My oldest younger sister has to go to court to get full custody and child support from her ex. My two youngest sisters may never see Dad again because of something that happened between him and their mother that's not public information. You can obviously guess how Dad is taking the news. Jim and Kay are moving to Tennessee this year. I've taken up a new hobby - geneology. I'm working on the family tree and I've come to a dead end on my father's side and I don't know Craig's mother's mother's name or mother's father's name, so I don't have anything on that part of the tree. I'm mostly working on it for Mara, but also for my sisters... which makes it harder considering the mother differences. I've spoken to my friend Tim, who is now married and living in Arizona, he's not doing too great... I'm hoping things in his marriage will improve soon.
My little one has gotten so big. She's walking and her vocabulary consists of two main words and here or there she'll say something but I can't really understand it. She's climbing up on things, she'll bring me things, she shuffles around like an old granny... I love her so much. She's such a serious baby around strangers, but so lively and happy at home. I'm just enjoying my time with my family.

We got our tax return yesterday, so we spent some money on some D&D stuff at this hobby store called The Hobbit (awesome, huh?) Then we finally got Mara a highchair. No more back pain trying to feed her in her stationary exersaucer! Yay! Once I've picked up Craig from PT we're going to get our first washer and dryer! I'm so excited! I told Craig the other day that the only thing I wanted for St. Valentines Day is a laundry room, so that's what I'm getting! Yay! Well, I'm surprised the little one lasted as long as she did without my undivided attention, so to attend to her I must take my leave.

So it has been Forever

2007-09-09T07:19:15Z

Yes, I think I've mentioned before how terrible I am at keeping up appearances. But if I haven't, here it is now. Dabbling more into the "mom adventure."
So my diet is officially dead. I wish it wasn't, but I feel terrible so I haven't been following my diet at all. I'm still hoping to lose about 50 pounds because I'm just not attractive at all. My husband lets me know that. Speaking of Craig, we're finally in North Carolina. We have a nice house and we just got a dog today. Her name is Rosy and she's a bloodhound puppy. She's 8-weeks-old and we've already house trained her *huzzah*
I've been playing DragonRealms again. I didn't realize it until I started playing again, but I really enjoy the game.
I've been so out of the loop recently I don't know what any of my friends or family is up to. I do know my grandfather and his wife are moving to Tennessee this year, which should prove to be interesting, because they've both lived in Florida for so long. My sisters started school again, but I don't really know what grades they're in. My aunt Susan is pregnant and should be delivering sometime in the next three months (but I don't know exactly how far along she is.) My uncle just lost his grandmother (she was 101 years old and would have turned 102 this December.) Craig's paternal family is having a big reunion next month that we're going to.
Mara is going to be 5-months-old in about 4 days and I'm a little lost as to where the time went. She's babbling and tummy crawling and she's getting a personality now. I don't really know what else to say about her... I mean, she's just doing the same stuff she was before. I guess the excitement dies down after a little while. It's still amazing when she does something new (like when she started rolling over or blowing bubbles or making raspberries at me.) I just wish she'd start talking. She Ahs and Oohs and is starting to make a 'b' sound, like "Buh". I know when she wants to be picked up and when she wants to be fed.

I've made a few friends here at Fort Bragg: Kossandra, Jessica and Alicia. Kossandra and Alicia are Craig's sargents' wives, so I'm not sure how informal to be around them. I spend most of my time inside, I'll pick Craig up from work, go to the grocery store and maybe run an errand or two with Craig, but other than that, I stay at the house. There's not much to clean because we hardly have anything to clean with (no vacuum, no ironing board, washing machine or dryer...) We did manage to get a very nice four-poster bed and a pillowtop mattress, a living room set and that's all the furniture we've bought so far. We brought all of Mara's furniture, a dining room set and some outdoor furniture with us from Florida. It still doesn't feel like home here. I wish I had pictures to hang on the wall of everyone... Craig and I, Mara, Craig's family, my family... But we don't have pictures so I suppose we'll just manage with a massive wall of emptiness.

I've joined an online community called Zaadz. It's nice there. Better than MySpace: the users there have better things to do than to whore themselves out to the masses. They're all about change and honesty. That's what I like about them. At the moment I can't even remember how I found out about them... I just know I love being there. I'm the owner of a Pod (or group) for North Carolina. I'm hoping sometime next year to put together a big convention for all the people who want to make change that live in North Carolina and to get a bunch of educational programs about the environment, the soul and life in general there. It would be nice to have something like that, you know?

Well, I'm going to get going, it's rather late and I know I need to get some sleep because Mara will be up in 3-4 hours. Goodnight all.

Wedding's Off

2007-06-25T03:23:43Z

So my husband and I had a talk today. We can't afford to have a real wedding. So we're just not going to have one. I guess it doesn't matter... we're already married. So just fuck the whole family thing.

In other news, I went to the Scientist Vs. Werewolf concert the other night and came home with a new tattoo.

Bland as Egg Whites

2007-06-16T18:53:12Z

Still on the diet, but I won't say I'm doing any good at it. I need a cigarette. I'm so sick of my grandfather. I can't wait to move to North Carolina and never speak to him again. I miss my husband, I miss my sisters. Savannah's birthday was yesterday and I bought her a Bratz laptop (she wanted something Bratz, and I remember the last time I spoke to her she wanted a laptop). If nothing else that could redeem me from such an action, at least the damn this is educational. I hate the Bratz movement and to be quite frank, a 10 year old doesn't need a laptop. So I compromised and gave her what she wanted. Hey, she's not my kid, and I can't limit what she's exposed to - it's not my place. I'm waiting on my mother-in-law to get here to pick me up... she's already 22 minutes late. Why am I not surprised? Well, I'm going to go have that cig, Mara's sleeping in the living room with the wicked bitch of LA.

It's not a diet if you exercise

2007-06-04T17:34:00Z

Okay, so you know how most moms start diets? Well I'm not doing that. I'm starting a weight loss program today. Also, Mara's got thrust... which scared the crap out of me the first time I saw it, I thought it was HFMD. Craig and I are doing well and I've been begging him for another baby... not going to happen anytime soon... According to the kitchen scale, I weigh 145 pounds. Now as much as I'd love for this to be mu actual weight, I know it's off by at least 20 pounds, if not more. SO, in light of that, my lunch is 1/2 cup veggies, 1/2 cup rice, and 2 oz. of chicken... basically it's all just heated up. There are no condiments or sauces or oils or anything. Just the food plain... and it's not as bland as one might think! It's really quite good! People take for granted the actual flavors of foods... which is a very sad thing. And the best part about the weight-loss program is that on top of the calories I lose just from exercise I lose another 500 a day breastfeeding (not to mention all the healthy foods my daughter will consume and "taste" through my breast milk!)

Hopefully Craig will get leave soon... I really miss him. We get to go shopping when he gets here! Exciting! We're getting stuff for the house :) Once we actually get the house I'll be even happier. He told me he wanted to rent - which would probably be safer than buying at this point, simply beacuse if we buy we'll have a hard time selling it in the market's current status. Well, back to eating lunch!

Updates

2007-05-26T04:09:51Z

Alright, so lots of stuff has been going on since the last time I blogged.

On the 18th of May, 2008 I officially and legally married Craig. We got married in Columbus Georgia a few hours after his Airbrone graduation. Mara wasn't there because of all of this DCF bullshit (and it's getting really old very fast). My father was there with his girlfriend (her name is Nikki and quite frankly she's a great woman and I hope just this once my dad can stop being himself to lure her into a false sense of security so they can build a long and beautiful relationship... then he can go crazy, but she'll love him so she won't be going anywhere). Anyway, Craig's father was also there (but Robyn wasn't - what a surprise). The graduation was interesting to say the least, I got to watch 6 experienced jumpers miss their target (not really reassuring about Craig's job if you ask me). Then Ethan and Tim both smashed Craig's wings into his chest (poor baby now has 4 more holes in his body, none of which he needs).

That same day Craig and I left for Myrtle Beach, SC and essentially we honeymooned there - during Bike Week. I didn't know it was bike week until we were on our way there and I think it was Nikki that had mentioned it but it didn't really sink in that it was THE bike week until we got there and there was nothing but motorcycles everywhere. It was fun, though, Craig and I drove around for a while, we went to Tanger Outlets and came back to eat lunch at Burger King. Then Nikki and Dad met up with us and we played miniature golf - which was really fun! I won, Nikki came in second then it was Craig then Dad came in last. I put a lot of the paper work we got from there into my scrapbook. It was nice to see all the bikes!

I came back home to Mara who'd gained I don't know how much weight because my parents don't know how to take care of babies and apparently they think every time she cries something needs to be done (no, sorry, sometimes babies just cry to cry) and it turns out she's congested because her body is finished up the shedding process of those cells from her sinuses so the crying is normal - not hunger. It's aggravating that either one of them try to give me advice because neither of them have had to raise children or take care of babies. And it turns out the formula she was on while I was gone constipated her (no surprise there, but I'll get to that in a minute).

When I got home I had to change my name (my initials are now ARM... woo?) so I went to the social security office... that was hell in a room. Waited two hours to spend less than 5 minutes doing something. I swear, if you need a new social security card they should make requesting a new one available over the internet or something. But no, to inconvenience newlyweds, retirees and whoever else goes the the SSA building, they don't have that online option.

I also got Mara's birth certificates while I was in town... it's strange how the health department is in the ghetto in fort myers, but I suppose it's not the only place in the world where it's like that.

Hum... what else? Oh, yeah, I did see Richard on my way home from SC. I got to see the puppies and named one eBay (even though he already had a name - but it wouldn't be the first time I've named someone else's pet and gotten away with it, lol.) Powder died then Rich's KINDA girlfriend's grandpa died (within a day of one another - sad week, I'm telling you.)

Craig's unit ships to Afghanistan sometime this week and he can't go with them because he's not been in the unit long enough (at least, that's what he's telling me, but I'm going with that because I'm his wife and if the distrust starts now it will never end, so I'm just going to leave it alone.) We did apply for on base housing, so I'll be moving to North Carolina sometime this year (with any luck). And Craig SHOULD be getting leave within the next 2 weeks (so maybe I'll be able to see my husband again very soon, unless he goes up north to meet the rest of my family.)

Ofi and I went to the store today and bought Mara these chime toys that hang from her car seat (and she really seems to like them, they calm her down and make her smile... it was so cute!) and Ofi bought her a new dress. It's adorable with little sea horses and starfish and bubbles around the hem! I love it so much. I'm so lucky to have the friends I do. I knew when I got pregnant who I'd be losing as friends (simply because they're too immature to handle pregnancy/babies/etc. and they wouldn't want to be around a baby) but I wasn't sure when it came to some of the people I was closer to or hadn't even seen in a while. Like Ofi - I hadn't really spoken to her all that much since senior year when I was expelled :( So when I got a hold of her again it was great! I missed her so much and she's changed (but not too much.) I knew Rich was going to be around for me - hell, if he wasn't he'd be in for a serious but whooping (not from me either, his mother would kill him.)

I did see Barb and Joe (Steve's parents) recently, as well. I need to go by and let them know Craig and I got married. They've been doing well and Barb's in school and Steve's turning 18... Everyone is growing up and time is just flying by!

For the past 4 days (tomorrow would have made day #5) Mara's been constipated. I mean not even a little bit of poop. She's been farting like crazy, but no pooping. I was getting worried and I was going to wait until Monday, but I talked to Bill (her nurse) tonight and wound up giving her a glycerin liquid suppository... she didn't seem to mind the actual giving of the medication, but once it started to work boy was she upset. Now that her system is cleared out I'm hoping she'll be doing better. I hate ever having her on formula... it's disgusting (I tried some once and it made me nauseated...)

Anyway, I'm going to be getting to bed, it's getting late and I still have to call Craig back...

Oh, and I might be getting a Yaris sedan! Yay! (I need 4 doors... damn it.)

Laziness

2007-05-15T10:25:42Z

So Ofi and I are going to start a diet together. It involves exercise and eating like a normal human being... so it's not a really diet... it's more of a don't-die-it. It's the Six Week Body Makeover (you've probably seen the ads on TV)... it is probably legitimate and if it's not I get my money back (so what's there to worry about?)

Mara's been getting bigger... I think she's starting to smile, but I can never tell if it's gas or sneakiness. Craig did his first jump yesterday and I haven't heard from him so I'm assuming he's dead (but I'm probably wrong).

Today I have an appointment to get birth control (I'm getting Mirena), and tomorrow is not only court, but therapy on top of it all. I'm hoping today goes well and I don't die from anything... I'm also hoping that I get my daughter back and we can get packed and ready for Georgia. I have lots of laundry to do before I can leave (because I seriously don't have the clothes for the trip).

Then it's off to Georgia. The 17th is my father's birthday, Craig and I will legally wed on Friday and sometime next week I'll be coming home. I've been thinking more and more about that word: 'home.' I wish I could leave this place and find 'home' but I'm here for now... until I move to another place. I want to go all over the world and I want to take my daughter with me. I want to go to Australia, Tibet, Germany, The Czech Republic, Sweden, Switzerland, Denmark, Holland, Russia, Brazil, Antarticia, Canada, The Caicos... I want to go all over the place and see everything I can. I want to fill dozens of photograph books with images from all over the world.

Mara's been resting for nearly an hour and I expect her to awake sometime soon, so I'll be going. Pretending my silly dreams can come true and hoping one day they will.

Baby Steps

2007-05-07T19:05:40Z

So Mara's done two things today that she's never done before... and she seems to like to do them in threes.

Early this morning she laughed and smiled at me - it was just three short "ha ha ha"s and that was it, she hasn't done it since, but I thought it was the sweetest thing! I tried o call her father and tell him, but apparently his phone is off. And it's still off...

Then just a few moments ago she clicked three times. It was so cute!

Anyway, I'm keeping this short because Ofi's over.

Wedding: Bliss, Vows, Dress

2007-05-06T23:16:46Z

So I've been working on the wedding a bit. I've changed my mind about a lot of things for the wedding. I was thinking it had to be this fancy, black-tie to-do thing... and I was wrong. That's not what I want for my "wedding celebration". I'd much rather just have some of my closest friends (the ones I grew up with) and my immediate family (i.e. my daughter and my sisters, their mom, my father and my grandfather - but not his wife) and of course Craig's closest friends and immediate family (if he wants them). I want it to be casual, but I don't want women in pants (it's my excuse to get Ofi to wear a dress) and I want it to be very Spring-like. Before I was trying to get some fancy museum in Baltimore or one of the Thoroughbred centers in Lexington for the reception... now I'm thinking a nice restaurant or even my own dining room would be a wonderful place to go. I know the ceremony is going to be held in a Lutheran Church (Craig is a Lutheran and because I don't have a faith... that has a place of worship... and because I have to learn to work with him, he wanted it in a church). I kept debating over a theme and looking at wedding dresses that cost thousands of dollars and I just realized how impractical it all really is. It's nice if you have the money and nothing better to do with it, but I don't need a $580 silk dress with a designer tag to get married... the beautiful white sun dress I found at Bealls will do just fine. I'm still a little picky over the shoes (because I'm a shoe freak as it is) but I saw a pair I liked and they were $44 and I just didn't think it'd make sense to spend more money on my shoes than on my dress... I made the decision a long time ago that I wanted Mara as my bouquet - so I'm going to put her in a cute little colorful dress and carry her in my arms. I want my hair down and natural with some baby's breath in it... I just want everything to be very simple... very casual... but at the same time be... I'm not sure how else to word it but I want to say pure? I suppose it's a form of elegance I'm aiming for... I just don't want the silver shimmering fabric elegance - I want the cotton embroidered elegance... you know?

Anyway... I know the wedding will be a success and will be perfect for us if we just keep our heads up and make sure to just do what makes us happy - even if we spill a little rice along the way. (Double meaning...)

Slacking

2007-05-06T05:14:30Z

Okay, I know it's been a while since the last time I posted and I'm sorry. Mara's been taking up most of my time. When I did have a free moment tonight I was going to go to a birthday part at Eric & Ally's house but I didn't leave early enough and everyone was leaving by the time I was getting ready (it's a Saturday night, I figured they'd all be out late, but I was wrong). So Eric and Allie and I are probably going to all hang out tomorrow.

Craig and I haven't been getting along too well in the past few days... he's reminding me why we were so on-and-off when we were younger. I'm at the point where I just don't care anymore. I'm with him and that's that and there's no point in trying to leave him or think about being with another man. It's gone from one drug to the next and now he's on alcohol... and I'm sick of trying to get him to quit. It was always me trying to help him and he just didn't care and the only reason he stopped anything in the past was because I threatened to leave him. Then it got to the point where he'd pick pot over me... so we were done. Then I went back to him. I don't know why, but I figure it saves headaches to just be really mad at him and ignore the fact that he doesn't care than to go and break up and get back together.

We're getting married this month... in about 12 days or so... I'm not scared or apprehensive or even excited about it. It's just like we're doing something for paperwork and that's it. I'm marrying him because I know Mara needs her Daddy... just like I needed my real parents growing up. And it wouldn't be fair to keep her from him and there's no other way she can see him so often. I'd rather be miserable for the rest of my life and know my daughter was happy than to be selfish and keep her here...

Maybe I'll have my own house (or at the very least an apartment) and I'll be able to decorate and design... Even if it's just a small space, it'll be mine. Then I'll start planning the wedding. It's going to be nice and small and casual. I don't want a big fancy wedding like I thought I did. I was thinking formal, black tie, military themed, Kentucky, horses... but now I'm thinking small, casual, no theme, just pretty greens and whites... maybe silver (but that may feel too formal) Just our immediate family and closest friends (which will be hard if we have a certain number we're allowed to go to, but I'm thinking 25 not including myself, Mara and Craig. (So about 30 total, if two people bring guests - probably Rich and Ofi)

I'm hoping to get back into painting again... soon... I'm wanting to start with oils this time, because I never did do much of anything with oils before and I've seen what can be done with them over time. Maybe I can make a career out of my art again. I've had someone offer to buy one of my acrylic paintings after it was in a gallery once. It was exciting and even though I couldn't part with the painting (and I realize now that I should have) it felt great to have someone admire my work enough to want to buy it.

So anyway, I went into the extra bedroom for the first time today really since Chad left me. I was cleaning. I found a garbage bag of his clothes that he had found in the trunk of his car... I debated burning them to a cinder, leaving rotting food in amongst them or just tossing them out... instead I just told Pat (Chad's best friend) to let him know they were here and I could drop them off one day when he's not home. I really don't want to see him. The room smelled like mold. I had two boxes of books in there that I wanted to put on my new bookshelf (done successfully) and I just felt like cleaning. (For those of you who know me, now you know just how upset I was with Craig - I rarely clean unless I'm very, very angry - as in on the verge of baseball bat to headlights angry... which I've never done, by the way, the cleaning calms me... restores my belief that I have control over something.)

Well, in my cleaning frenzy I managed to come across three things the surprised me. One was a letter from Chad from before he told his parents I was pregnant - apologizing for not telling them and not realizing how it made me feel and tell me that our relationship was about us and not what other people thought of me. The other was a journal I'd written in where I said that I was thinking about leaving Chad and marrying Craig for the convenience of it all and because I'd said how easy it was for Chad to turn into an asshole - obviously it wasn't meant to be (who am I trying to convince?)

The third thing was a list of my goals. (see my pervious journal entry for the complete list...) Anyway, I’m going to get back to watching HGTV (Woo!)

List...

2007-05-06T05:13:08Z

I won't linger anymore...

2007-05-01T04:55:58Z

If you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade.

I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude,
It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.

I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

Oh, I thought the world of you.
I thought nothing could go wrong,
But I was wrong. I was wrong.
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

And I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

Spinning in my head

2007-04-24T18:34:37Z

Mara is slowly consuming my life - and I love it. I call and talk to Craig maybe two or three times a day and if Mara's awake she talks to him too. She loves to be on my stomach so we're close and I love that time too. My mother keeps telling me not to cosleep, but I want to spend as much time clinging to her like this as I can - before she doesn't let me anymore.

Nothing makes me smile more than just looking at her and having her bright little eyes glancing back up at me as though she's thinking "Who is this strange woman and why isn't her breast in my mouth?"

I don't know how quickly babies are supposed to be doing things, but she's only 2 weeks old and she's already pushing herself up with her arms when she's on her stomach and inching along with her legs. She can also roll from her stomach or back to her side, but not all the way yet.

She seems content just being close to me, and I love that. Having a baby certainly makes me feel like a selfish person - I feel complete having someone totally and completly rely on me for existance, to have a love I have to earn by catering to her every whim - a love that grows on need and partially on instinct.

I adore my daughter and I love her more than anything else in the world, but I wonder if I'm doing the right thing sometimes. How much time should she be sleeping? How much time should she be stimuliated? What should we do when we play? Am I holding her right? Her hiccups scare me because she gets them so often. Is it normal? What am I supposed to say to her? What do I read to her? Is it okay for me to eat this or that? What about TV?

My head is spinning with questions, I'm looking forward to Friday when we see the peditrician...

Also, I've been busy planning a secret :) You'll all find out what it is soon.

Finally

2007-04-19T04:33:05Z

I'm finally holding my little girl! She's so beautiful! It's kinda hard to breastfeed and type at the same time, so I'll keep this short.

I was in and out of Vista in 3 days, as promised. I have a session with my therapist on the 25th (not really looking forward to that).

My parents have temporary legal guardianship over her and I can't be alone with her without one of them supervising (which is bullshit and sucks, and doesn't even make sense, but whatever.)

I have court on the 23rd in Georgia for a speeding ticket... which I probably won't make. Court on the 16th of May to get my daughter back to being fully mine.

I'm going to be moving in with Craig sometime around June... he and I are together again... he's happy.

Lamia Mara Constance Derek Maggard
Friday, April 13, 2007
6lb 5oz 19in
And perfect!

Inducing

2007-04-10T15:58:59Z

So I'm going to be induced tomorrow. I don't know what else to do. People that were supposed to help me failed me - what's the point in trusting anyone anymore?

I'm not going to call a bunch of people to come to the hospital. Why should I? No one but Ofi came to the baby shower, why should anyone but her and Craig be there for the birth? No one gave a damn enough when I needed help, but I'm sure everyone's all excited about a new baby. Well guess what - she's my fucking daughter, not a god damn novelty you can just be interested in when it suits you.

So I'm not telling anyone because I don't want anyone else there... they can see her when I'm out of Vista. Maybe. I'm not okay with leaving my daughter for even a short period of time. And personally I think this is all bullshit.

More visitors

2007-04-10T04:24:44Z

Craig was here, he stayed for about an hour. Nancy, the director of the floor said he could stay the night, but it was up to the night director and apparently Baker Acts aren't allowed to have over-night visitors, so he had to go. We didn't know that or we would have had a ride for him. Now we have no idea how he's getting home. He said he was going to try to call someone, but he already left and I know he won't call my dad... Regardless, he's here now, at least until next Wednesday then he has to get home.

Anyway, he's coming back tomorrow morning (he said around 7) with a lawyer so I'm hoping I'll be out of here by tomorrow morning. I'm going to try to get some sleep now, though, because it's going to be a long night and Mara and I need our rest! Still sort of hoping that he's not here to claim me, but I wouldn't fight it if he were...

Hum, strange... just found one of his eyelashes on my bed... weird.

Coming home...

2007-04-10T00:31:30Z

Craig is on his way here. His flight leaves in one hour. He should be in town by 10 and here by 10:30/11pm. I'm looking forward to seeing him and I told Rich today that if it came down to it, if Craig asked me to take him back I would say yes on the condition that we marry within 6 months. This is simply because I want my daughter to have a better life than me - something at least a little normal - a mom, a dad... a home. A chance to have a good education and to have friends that she has something in common with. It would be a convience marriage.

Rich warned me that divorce would be likly if we married for convience, and that it would (in the long run) effect her more negativly than if Craig and I were never together. But I don't think that's true.

Chad and I will never work out because he's too blind to understand that I care about him. He's also so dense to think that I would "sabatoge his chance at happiness". I don't understand him anymore, he's becoming paranoid and obsessed with this Holly person and more people than just myself believe that it will not work out... there's more than one reason before it, but that's okay.

I'm stuck in a strange place right now and I really don't know what to do. I want to get away from everything at this point. I'm pretty sure that Ofi and I will move to Alaska regardless of my marital status. I still want to. I can't wait to get out of this hospital and back to living my life. It's been a long, annoying stream of bullshit that I'm getting sick of listening to and I'm ready to go nuts.

Apparently all the sitters that come in here think I did something to hurt myself, so they come in biased - I don't want them in my room anymore. This stupid old bitch tonight said "Well they don't want you to go out and hurt yourself again." I couldn't help but to think: You have no idea who I am or why I'm here. How dare you make presumptions about me and what I'd do to myself and my daughter, you cow. What gives you the right to make a biased opinion about me? But I didn't say anything, mostly because Rich's mom was here and I don't like being a bitch infront of her. She's a moron anyway. I was watching Jepordy and she was listening and the question was "What Best Picture contained the name of a real person - who was alive 400 years ago"... her response? "I didn't think they had movies that long ago..." (I want to throw her across the room) The answer was "What is Shakspeare in Love". Yeah, you dumb bitch, Shakspeare was shooting films in the 1700s.

Anywho... I'm going to get going and watch some TV before taking a nap. Byes!

Proof Chaos Prevails

2007-04-08T04:58:57Z

A SERMON ON ETHICS AND LOVE

One day Mal-2 asked the messenger spirit Saint Gulik to approach the Goddess and request Her presence for some desperate advice. Shortly afterwards the radio came on by itself, and an ethereal female Voice said YES?

"O! Eris! Blessed Mother of Man! Queen of Chaos! Daughter of Discord! Concubine of Confusion! O! Exquisite Lady, I beseech You to lift a heavy burden from my heart!"

WHAT BOTHERS YOU, MAL? YOU DON'T SOUND WELL.

"I am filled with fear and tormented with terrible visions of pain. Everywhere people are hurting one another, the planet is rampant with injustices, whole societies plunder groups of their own people, mothers imprison sons, children perish while brothers war. O, woe."

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THAT, IF IT IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?

"But nobody wants it! Everybody hates it."

OH. WELL, THEN STOP.

At which moment She turned herself into an aspirin commercial and left The Polyfather stranded alone with his species.

What I should have been telling myself

2007-04-08T04:19:46Z

I spoke with Alan tonight... I knew he had recently been in a relationship and it ended badly against his wishes. Much like Ofi and I his heart was badly bruised by it. I don't know sometimes why people like him and Ofi are hurt by other people. Maybe because they are both such great friends to me I can't see past everything wonderful about them to their flaws. My friends are the perfect creatures in the world.

I owe Alan a lot for tonight. I owe Alan's aching heart a lot right now, because if it weren't for him I don't think I would have actually opened my eyes to see what I needed to see.

I owe Nathan a lot too - he told me a while ago that this thing with Chad and Holly wouldn't last. Pat confirmed it. Because he's not over Tricia, because he's trying to find happiness in others instead of learning how to make himself happy first, he can never commit. I don't know if we'll ever have that chance again, though I would like it - more than a lot of things. But right now I'm not hurting and I'm content with it.

But here's a part of the conversation that Alan and I had tonight that fixed things in me... things that I didn't think could be fixed and things that I desparatly needed to be fixed:

Me (9:04:57 PM): Well how about - stop focusing on how sad you are about someone who doesn't realize how wonderful you are, stop thinking about the person you're obviously not supposed to be with and enjoy your youth while you have it. When you're truly ready for love it will find you.

Alan (9:05:52 PM): I know...I just really loved her, and we were super close. Its not just some random girl. We were like soul mates

Me (9:05:46 PM): ...

Me (9:05:52 PM): You sound like me with Chad

Me (9:06:01 PM): You soulmate doesn't leave you

Me (9:06:13 PM): I had to be told that and it hurt like hell but it was true

Alan (9:06:50 PM): I know...you're so right...but...Im still not over it and Im still not sure of myself

Me (9:06:44 PM): I'm not telling you to be over it.

Me (9:07:19 PM): It's going to take a while for it to stop hurting and you need to heal yourself, not let other people make all the pain go away

Me (9:08:01 PM): You have a right to be unsure of yourself, but ask anyone you know who cares about you - we know you're worth something and that you're a great person and that you deserve love from someone who really knows what you are worth.

Alan (9:08:54 PM): sadly, she does know what Im worth...she just really fucked up and cant take it back. So...I just want this to be over with

Me (9:09:01 PM): *hugs you*

Alan (9:09:29 PM): eber...

Alan (9:09:31 PM): thank you

Me (9:10:07 PM): You are my panda, Alan. Be happy

Alan (9:10:57 PM): aw...you've always been a good friend to me. Im sorry Im not more emotionally here when you need it right now. I know what you are going through is much harder than what I am, but its hard to lose somebody you adore

Me (9:12:41 PM): It's okay that you're not here for me, you have your own stuff to deal with right now. It would be selfish of me to not understand and accept that you're going through a hard time right now too

Me (9:13:16 PM): So I'm just doing my best to help where I can, because really there's nothing I can do for you execpt remind you that you're a great guy and that you don't deserve to be hurt.

Alan (9:13:54 PM): you've done the best job so far, amazingly

Alan (9:14:13 PM): I read through a little bit of your livejournal. You really are an amazing writier when it comes to talking about yourself.

Alan (9:14:21 PM): I recently started writing in panda-poco again

Me (9:15:14 PM): I just try to be honest when I write *blush*

Alan (9:15:42 PM): its really nice

Alan (9:15:53 PM): http://panda-poco.diaryland.com is alive again, which is sad

Me (9:17:00 PM): *read*

Me (9:17:04 PM): reads*

Me (9:21:23 PM): *hugs you*

Alan (9:21:47 PM): aw

Me (9:21:49 PM): I know how you feel hon, I really do. And this is one of the few times anyone can say it and be honest about it.

Alan (9:22:29 PM): I cant even imagine athena...but its just so weird. I want this to be over

Me (9:22:50 PM): I know, Alan.

Alan (9:23:42 PM): Im slightly okay right now though

Alan (9:23:47 PM): maybe not in five minutes, who knows

Me (9:23:50 PM): I'd tell you to be female and get something to eat

Alan (9:24:28 PM): I havent eaten all day

Me (9:24:29 PM): Well... maybe you should eat something, then

Alan (9:25:02 PM): I should. I should do something too...I need to shower and stuff

Me (9:25:12 PM): Alright, well take some "me time" and relax.

Alan (9:25:48 PM): Im trying. As long as you do the same

Me (9:25:37 PM): I will

Me (9:35:30 PM): Oh, and just remember, no matter how much you're hurting there's always people somewhere who want to make you stop hurting

Me (9:35:41 PM): Like me and your friends in Missouri

Alan (9:36:14 PM): aw...I know. Im glad I have some friends left

Me (9:36:54 PM): You'll always have me as a friend, unless you don't want me anymore

Me (9:36:55 PM): k?

Alan (9:37:58 PM): of course I want you with me...I'll be there for you too, Im just kinda dumb right now

Me (9:37:56 PM): You're not dumb, you're wounded.

Me (9:37:59 PM): There's a difference

Alan (9:38:33 PM): I hope so

Me (9:41:46 PM): Just remember, if you don't put yourself out there to be hurt, life isn't worth living, and when you do put yourself out there and you do get hurt, life is worth pulling through for because through all the failure one day you will be happy... even if you think you can't bear it, and even if you think you hate someone because they seem to lack feelings for you despite what they've promised or said, remember they are the people that aren't worth your time

Me (9:42:44 PM): Those are the people who don't know how to make themselves happy and they seek it out in relationships with other people. They're the people who set out to make others happy without being happy themselves so they don't know how to do it and once the initial "puppy love" effect wears off they don't know how to deal with the relationship.

Alan (9:43:29 PM): how did you get so strong and smart, athena?

Me (9:43:29 PM): because i've been hurt a lot.

Me (9:43:39 PM): it's the only way you get that.

Me (9:46:59 PM): Just look at it this way, if there weren't people in the world to hurt us then the relationships with our friends and those who truly care about us would never grow and become so meaningful.

So even though Chad broke my heart and Pam... basically did the same damn thing to you... they brought us closer together as friends. And you have to know that friendships are the most important relationships we'll ever have in this world because they're things that can't be broken so easily as those we have that are romantic.

Alan (9:50:04 PM): I know. I know...but romance is what I live for. One day, I'll have it, and within that, a best friend.

Me (9:59:10 PM): Don't live for romance, Alan, live for yourself

So that's the conversation.

Craig is coming home this week on emergency leave to take care of Mara incase she comes or I have to be induced. I had to go through the Red Cross, and the woman I spoke to was very kind and very efficent in the matter. She got everything done so quickly today. So Craig is probably going to try to come to the hosptial in uniform and bring a deputy with him to get me out of the hospital. So I may be going home this week. Let's all hope.

A Zen Story

2007-04-08T03:33:56Z

A ZEN STORY

by Camden Benares, The Count of Five
Headmaster, Camp Meeker Cabal

A serious young man found the conflicts of mid 20th Century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled.

One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, "go to the dilapidated mansion you will find at this address which I have written down for you. Do not speak to those who live there; you must remain silent until the moon rises tomorrow night. Go to the large room on the right of the main hallway, sit in the lotus position on top of the rubble in the northeast corner, face the corner, and meditate."

He did just as the Zen Master instructed. His meditation was frequently interrupted by worries. He worried whether or not the rest of the plumbing fixtures would fall from the second floor bathroom to join the pipes and other trash he was sitting on. He worried how would he know when the moon rose on the next night. He worried about what the people who walked through the room said about him.

His worrying and meditation were disturbed when, as if in a test of his faith, ordure fell from the second floor onto him. At that time two people walked into the room. The first asked the second who the man was sitting there was. The second replied "Some say he is a holy man. Others say he is a shithead."

Hearing this, the man was enlightened.

~~~~~~~~~~~

What We Know About ERIS (not much)

The Romans left a likeness of Her for posterity--She was shown as a grotesque woman with a pale and ghastly look, Her eyes afire, Her garment ripped and torn, and as concealing a dagger in Her Bosom. Actually, most women look pale and ghastly when concealing a chilly dagger in their bosoms.

Her geneology is from the Greeks and is utterly confused. Either She was the twin of Ares and the daughter of Zeus and Hera; or She was the daughter of Nyx, goddess of night (who was either the daughter or wife of Chaos, or both), and Nyx's brother, Erebus, and whose brothers and sisters include Death, Doom, Mockery, and Friendship. And that She begat Forgetfullness, Quarrels, Lies, and a bunch of gods and goddesses like that.

One day Mal-2 consulted his Pineal Gland* and asked Eris if She really created all of those terrible things. She told him that She had always liked the Old Greeks, but that they cannot be trusted with historic matters. "They were," She added, "victims of indigestion, you know."

Suffice it to say that Eris is not hateful or malicious. But She is mischievous, and does get a little bitchy at times.

*THE PINEAL GLAND is where each and every one of us can talk to Eris. If you have trouble activating your Pineal, then try the appendix which does almost as well. Reference: DOGMA I, METAPHYSICS #3, "The Indoctrine of the Pineal Gland"

Damn Alltell and damn Charlie's Angels...

2007-04-08T02:30:17Z

draw me a bloodbath o' sweet rapist eyes
as all the bruised babies hum lullabies
burnt at the stake old souls filled the skies
sacrificed for all humanities lies

i summoned a demon and took it to bed
i don't recall exactly what was said
it tied my hands and my feet to the bed
i don't recall exactly what was said

you've got the look that makes detectives itch
a mouth full of thunder and feverous pitch
a cross between satan and a gucci witch
your disposition would make hitler flinch

oh sweet rapist eyes
look what you've done to me
you've burnt down the temple
where the children were sleeping
ashes and smoke rose up to the sky
the memory's bloom
as the future dies

show me some sympathy
in his image god made me ugly

envy and lust
you are so beautiful
envy and lust
you are so beautiful

don't look at me with those sweet rapist eyes
perhaps its the wine or the soft candlelight
i'm under your spell, i'm all yours tonight
the phone's off the hook and my tounge is tied

oh sweet rapist eyes
look what you've done to me
you've burnt down the temple
where the children were sleeping
ashes and smoke rose up to the sky
the memory's bloom
as the future dies

ashes and smoke rose up to the sky
the memory's bloom
as the future dies

Visiting Day

2007-04-06T22:11:17Z

When I woke up this morning I spoke to Dr. George: he said he wanted me to think about being induced next week - either on Monday or Tuesday. I told him I didn't want to be induced out of convience. He said it wouldn't be out of convience, but to make it easier on me because I wouldn't have to say in the hospital as long (and how doesn't that sound like convience?) Then I asked him what would happen to Mara. He told me he didn't know and that he would send the social worker up to my room to let me know. She also didn't know. She would have to call DCF after she's born and DCF would do whatever they want with her. So I got pretty pissed off and that gave me more of a reason to not want to be induced.

I spoke to Craig today about it, because if they force me to induce (like they force me to recieve medical care and monitoring) I want him here. So I called the red cross to get him to come home. If she should be with anyone it should be with him, because then at least I know she'll be with me most of the time anyway because he'll bring her to me for visiting and not leave me to go do something else with his time. So he will be coming home soon, hopefully. I also spoke to Tim on the phone and managed to catch up with him. He doesn't know when he's coming to visit us over here, but hopefully that will be soon. I miss him and I want to meet Robyn. I even spoke to AJ for a short while, but he had to get back to work. I'm surprised everyone still has the same numbers. I also talked to Matt Hanning for a short period of time... but I havn't called him back yet because the nurse took the phone out of the room. It's sort of annoying that they do that.

So far today I've had two visitors, yay! Ofi came by and spent some time with me. I missed her! She took the puzzle and Alex's monopoly peice home with her so now I have a few less things to worry about. It was good to see her again. We talked for a while and she sat on the birthing ball the nurses brought to the room. It helps to relieve back pain (but I'm scared to get on it because I don't really have a center of balance right now.) Then Pat came by to visit (which was a surprise). He was here for about an hour and an half and he brought me a mousepad from the company he works for. (I don't know what the heck I'm supposed to do with a mousepad simply because I don't have a mouse... I suppose I could buy one or find that one I had for my computer ages ago...) He and I talked for a good while about politics, the future and smoking pot (:D). We also talked about Pat giving birth. I argued with him that he wouldn't be able to give birth... and he said he would. I told him he needed a uterus and a cervix... he said he was just going to give birth out of his ass. I let him win the arguement, because quite frankly it was just getting weird.

Hopefully Craig will be calling back soon and I'll be able to speak to him, but if not that's alright... he was in formation the last time I spoke to him and I don't know if he's busy today or not. He's at Fort Benning in Airborne school now... he's in paratrooper class. I'm still not sure how I feel about it all. I know my father (Ethan) was in the Army for a while and he said he was jumping out of a plane when I was being born... but I don't know. Everything from my past is like one big story that's been written 3 different times by different people and no one remembers everything exactally so they just make things up. If there's one thing my father has going for him it's that he's a great story teller and a great artist. It hurts sometimes that he doesn't realize I just want the truth - glorious or boring.

I think talking to Pat is good for me. He's intelligent and I guess I put my defenses up when I notice that in guys and I get really horrible. Probably just part of being female - although it's something you hear more about in males than females. He opens my eyes about a lot of things - like regretting stuff and not caring enough. I wish I had taken the time 4 months ago to get to know him - maybe I would have saved myself from some of the mistakes I've made... or maybe I would have made better decisions. But now I can just focus what's going on in the future.

I joined the alumni website for LSHS... Once I get home I need to find that list of graduates they gave out at graduation. I volunteered to be the person who does the missing person list for our class so I have to keep the site updated and now I have something to do with my spare time... well I'm going to get back to watching some television - I missed the Simpsons because I had a visitor, but that's alright... I think there are some interesting situational comedies on right now, so I can just watch those and keep my spirits up.

I'm beginning to wonder if I don't just look at things a little backwards.

Quick question

2007-04-06T18:28:42Z

View Poll: Dating

In reference to my ex boyfriend's best friend possibly dating one of my best friends... if you think about it too much you'll hurt yourself.

I'm all for it.

The worst day ever...

2007-04-06T15:09:16Z

Chad's sleeping with Holly - it's official. My doctor came in this morning and told me he wants to induce me next week. And DCF is going to take Mara once she's born. I hate this place.

So it's really over...

2007-04-06T02:51:05Z

Me (10:15:40 PM): Hello?

Chad (10:19:25 PM): rawr!

Me (10:19:24 PM): ?

Chad (10:20:02 PM): RAWR!

Me (10:20:06 PM): er, okay

Chad (10:20:31 PM): Exactly.

Chad (10:21:01 PM): Who is this?

Me (10:21:07 PM): Chad?

Chad (10:21:37 PM): I don't know anyone named Chad?... or maybe I do?

Chad (10:22:12 PM): OR is this that little punk kid who doesn't have his facts correct ...

Me (10:22:10 PM): <- is female

Chad (10:22:38 PM): Ah, alright... I don't know you then... but yes it's Chad..

Chad (10:22:40 PM): Who is this?

Me (10:22:34 PM): Are you happy?

Chad (10:23:31 PM): so much happier than I've been in the longest time... I've met this absolutley amazing woman recently... and I just can't stop smiling when I'm with her... and it's mutual which makes it all the more amazing.

Me (10:23:34 PM): Good.

Chad (10:24:39 PM): erm, I'm a bit lost as obviously you do know of my recent personal life...but I've only got a few guesses as to who you are... but that's alright... feel free to remain nameless.

Me (10:25:27 PM): Everyone deserves to be happy. It's good that you are.

Chad (10:26:10 PM): Do I know you?

Me (10:26:02 PM): Obviously.

Chad (10:26:28 PM): when did I meet you?

Me (10:26:20 PM): Last year.

Chad (10:26:46 PM): Where did I meet you?

Me (10:26:38 PM): Are we playing twenty questions? Because you can just ask me who I am.

Chad (10:27:01 PM): I could, but then I'd lose the fun of it

Me (10:26:58 PM): You met me in Florida.

Chad (10:28:13 PM): speaking of twenty questions, this girl (Holly) and I played twenty questions... didn't make it very far though.... I'm still waiting to wake up, she's just way too 'perfect' ... I love it.

Chad (10:28:19 PM): Stop generalizing things.

Me (10:28:18 PM): You didn't ask for specifics.

Chad (10:28:32 PM): I've been told that I do that by her little sister who seems to hate me with a passion.

Chad (10:28:35 PM): but that's alright.

Me (10:29:07 PM): I doubt she hates you. I don't think people are capable of hate.

Me (10:29:25 PM): Females especially.

Chad (10:29:47 PM): I think she's very confused... I can't say I blame her for any of her emotions.

Me (10:29:39 PM): Why's that?

Me (10:29:52 PM): You aren't a very unlikable person.

Chad (10:30:13 PM): so I'm told.

Chad (10:31:37 PM): Do you know her?

Me (10:31:30 PM): Who?

Chad (10:31:54 PM): Holly

Me (10:31:46 PM): Should I?

Chad (10:32:05 PM): I'm not sure.

Chad (10:33:25 PM): Did you get my text messages?

Me (10:33:23 PM): What text messages?

Chad (10:33:47 PM): The ones I sent.

Me (10:33:40 PM): Should I have?

Chad (10:34:02 PM): If you were the reciepent.

Me (10:33:57 PM): So you know my cellphone number?

Chad (10:34:18 PM): I could.

Chad (10:34:25 PM): Do you live in Florida?

Me (10:34:15 PM): Well, my cellphone is dead right now.

Me (10:34:18 PM): For now.

Chad (10:35:18 PM): In lehigh?

Chad (10:36:46 PM): Is this Athena?

Me (10:36:37 PM): Yes.

Chad (10:37:01 PM): I thought so.

Me (10:37:12 PM): I'm glad you're happy.

Chad (10:37:31 PM): me too.

Me (10:37:31 PM): You deserve it, you know. I hope she treats you right.

Chad (10:38:04 PM): She's moving down here...

Chad (10:38:18 PM): We're not an item.... not yet.

Me (10:38:16 PM): I was wrong - about Pat.

Chad (10:38:35 PM): how so?

Me (10:38:45 PM): We were talking the other day - getting along. I didn't really give him a chance. He's a good person.

Chad (10:39:12 PM): You almost got me in trouble today.

Chad (10:39:16 PM): Your damn flowers.

Me (10:39:07 PM): Don't worry, though. I let him IM me... not the other way around.

Chad (10:39:30 PM): because I had ordered flowers for Holly...

Me (10:39:19 PM): They're not my flowers...

Chad (10:39:48 PM): Now they're decorating the enterance to work

Me (10:39:40 PM): Why?

Chad (10:40:01 PM): Because I haven't picked them up.

Chad (10:40:03 PM): I'm debating.

Me (10:39:57 PM): About?

Chad (10:40:20 PM): picking them up.

Me (10:40:16 PM): They weren't nearly expensive as the roses, if that's what you're worried about.

Chad (10:41:31 PM): ...Holly said she loves me.

Me (10:41:24 PM): Okay?

Chad (10:41:55 PM): I'm off the pills....sort of.

Me (10:42:00 PM): Is there a reason your text got smaller?

Me (10:42:08 PM): Does that mean the pain's going away?

Chad (10:42:39 PM): No, it's much worse.

Chad (10:42:42 PM): I like small text.

Me (10:42:43 PM): Alright.

Chad (10:43:14 PM): She's moving down here... for me... I can't believe it...

Me (10:43:22 PM): Okay?

Chad (10:45:33 PM): I mentioned my move out to Cali, she said she'd go anywhere to be with me...

Chad (10:45:55 PM): slight stalker-like obsession but very suble, I love it.

Me (10:46:01 PM): Dr. George perscribed me Adivan.

Chad (10:46:22 PM): bbl, shes here

I knew somewhere in my heart that he would never be mine again, but how is it that she is so much like me and he absolutly adores her... maybe he does hate Mara... Maybe it is my baby that chased him away. When it comes down to it, if it were him or her... I choose my daughter. No thinking needed.