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My little one has gotten so big. She's walking and her vocabulary consists of two main words and here or there she'll say something but I can't really understand it. She's climbing up on things, she'll bring me things, she shuffles around like an old granny... I love her so much. She's such a serious baby around strangers, but so lively and happy at home. I'm just enjoying my time with my family.
We got our tax return yesterday, so we spent some money on some D&D stuff at this hobby store called The Hobbit (awesome, huh?) Then we finally got Mara a highchair. No more back pain trying to feed her in her stationary exersaucer! Yay! Once I've picked up Craig from PT we're going to get our first washer and dryer! I'm so excited! I told Craig the other day that the only thing I wanted for St. Valentines Day is a laundry room, so that's what I'm getting! Yay! Well, I'm surprised the little one lasted as long as she did without my undivided attention, so to attend to her I must take my leave.
So my diet is officially dead. I wish it wasn't, but I feel terrible so I haven't been following my diet at all. I'm still hoping to lose about 50 pounds because I'm just not attractive at all. My husband lets me know that. Speaking of Craig, we're finally in North Carolina. We have a nice house and we just got a dog today. Her name is Rosy and she's a bloodhound puppy. She's 8-weeks-old and we've already house trained her *huzzah*
I've been playing DragonRealms again. I didn't realize it until I started playing again, but I really enjoy the game.
I've been so out of the loop recently I don't know what any of my friends or family is up to. I do know my grandfather and his wife are moving to Tennessee this year, which should prove to be interesting, because they've both lived in Florida for so long. My sisters started school again, but I don't really know what grades they're in. My aunt Susan is pregnant and should be delivering sometime in the next three months (but I don't know exactly how far along she is.) My uncle just lost his grandmother (she was 101 years old and would have turned 102 this December.) Craig's paternal family is having a big reunion next month that we're going to.
Mara is going to be 5-months-old in about 4 days and I'm a little lost as to where the time went. She's babbling and tummy crawling and she's getting a personality now. I don't really know what else to say about her... I mean, she's just doing the same stuff she was before. I guess the excitement dies down after a little while. It's still amazing when she does something new (like when she started rolling over or blowing bubbles or making raspberries at me.) I just wish she'd start talking. She Ahs and Oohs and is starting to make a 'b' sound, like "Buh". I know when she wants to be picked up and when she wants to be fed.
I've made a few friends here at Fort Bragg: Kossandra, Jessica and Alicia. Kossandra and Alicia are Craig's sargents' wives, so I'm not sure how informal to be around them. I spend most of my time inside, I'll pick Craig up from work, go to the grocery store and maybe run an errand or two with Craig, but other than that, I stay at the house. There's not much to clean because we hardly have anything to clean with (no vacuum, no ironing board, washing machine or dryer...) We did manage to get a very nice four-poster bed and a pillowtop mattress, a living room set and that's all the furniture we've bought so far. We brought all of Mara's furniture, a dining room set and some outdoor furniture with us from Florida. It still doesn't feel like home here. I wish I had pictures to hang on the wall of everyone... Craig and I, Mara, Craig's family, my family... But we don't have pictures so I suppose we'll just manage with a massive wall of emptiness.
I've joined an online community called Zaadz. It's nice there. Better than MySpace: the users there have better things to do than to whore themselves out to the masses. They're all about change and honesty. That's what I like about them. At the moment I can't even remember how I found out about them... I just know I love being there. I'm the owner of a Pod (or group) for North Carolina. I'm hoping sometime next year to put together a big convention for all the people who want to make change that live in North Carolina and to get a bunch of educational programs about the environment, the soul and life in general there. It would be nice to have something like that, you know?
Well, I'm going to get going, it's rather late and I know I need to get some sleep because Mara will be up in 3-4 hours. Goodnight all.
- Location:Living Room
- Mood:
gloomy - Music:Silence of the Night (NONE)
In other news, I went to the Scientist Vs. Werewolf concert the other night and came home with a new tattoo.
Still on the diet, but I won't say I'm doing any good at it. I need a cigarette. I'm so sick of my grandfather. I can't wait to move to North Carolina and never speak to him again. I miss my husband, I miss my sisters. Savannah's birthday was yesterday and I bought her a Bratz laptop (she wanted something Bratz, and I remember the last time I spoke to her she wanted a laptop). If nothing else that could redeem me from such an action, at least the damn this is educational. I hate the Bratz movement and to be quite frank, a 10 year old doesn't need a laptop. So I compromised and gave her what she wanted. Hey, she's not my kid, and I can't limit what she's exposed to - it's not my place. I'm waiting on my mother-in-law to get here to pick me up... she's already 22 minutes late. Why am I not surprised? Well, I'm going to go have that cig, Mara's sleeping in the living room with the wicked bitch of LA.
Hopefully Craig will get leave soon... I really miss him. We get to go shopping when he gets here! Exciting! We're getting stuff for the house :) Once we actually get the house I'll be even happier. He told me he wanted to rent - which would probably be safer than buying at this point, simply beacuse if we buy we'll have a hard time selling it in the market's current status. Well, back to eating lunch!
- Location:Hell (it's too damn hot)
- Music:pounding of my pulse
On the 18th of May, 2008 I officially and legally married Craig. We got married in Columbus Georgia a few hours after his Airbrone graduation. Mara wasn't there because of all of this DCF bullshit (and it's getting really old very fast). My father was there with his girlfriend (her name is Nikki and quite frankly she's a great woman and I hope just this once my dad can stop being himself to lure her into a false sense of security so they can build a long and beautiful relationship... then he can go crazy, but she'll love him so she won't be going anywhere). Anyway, Craig's father was also there (but Robyn wasn't - what a surprise). The graduation was interesting to say the least, I got to watch 6 experienced jumpers miss their target (not really reassuring about Craig's job if you ask me). Then Ethan and Tim both smashed Craig's wings into his chest (poor baby now has 4 more holes in his body, none of which he needs).
That same day Craig and I left for Myrtle Beach, SC and essentially we honeymooned there - during Bike Week. I didn't know it was bike week until we were on our way there and I think it was Nikki that had mentioned it but it didn't really sink in that it was THE bike week until we got there and there was nothing but motorcycles everywhere. It was fun, though, Craig and I drove around for a while, we went to Tanger Outlets and came back to eat lunch at Burger King. Then Nikki and Dad met up with us and we played miniature golf - which was really fun! I won, Nikki came in second then it was Craig then Dad came in last. I put a lot of the paper work we got from there into my scrapbook. It was nice to see all the bikes!
I came back home to Mara who'd gained I don't know how much weight because my parents don't know how to take care of babies and apparently they think every time she cries something needs to be done (no, sorry, sometimes babies just cry to cry) and it turns out she's congested because her body is finished up the shedding process of those cells from her sinuses so the crying is normal - not hunger. It's aggravating that either one of them try to give me advice because neither of them have had to raise children or take care of babies. And it turns out the formula she was on while I was gone constipated her (no surprise there, but I'll get to that in a minute).
When I got home I had to change my name (my initials are now ARM... woo?) so I went to the social security office... that was hell in a room. Waited two hours to spend less than 5 minutes doing something. I swear, if you need a new social security card they should make requesting a new one available over the internet or something. But no, to inconvenience newlyweds, retirees and whoever else goes the the SSA building, they don't have that online option.
I also got Mara's birth certificates while I was in town... it's strange how the health department is in the ghetto in fort myers, but I suppose it's not the only place in the world where it's like that.
Hum... what else? Oh, yeah, I did see Richard on my way home from SC. I got to see the puppies and named one eBay (even though he already had a name - but it wouldn't be the first time I've named someone else's pet and gotten away with it, lol.) Powder died then Rich's KINDA girlfriend's grandpa died (within a day of one another - sad week, I'm telling you.)
Craig's unit ships to Afghanistan sometime this week and he can't go with them because he's not been in the unit long enough (at least, that's what he's telling me, but I'm going with that because I'm his wife and if the distrust starts now it will never end, so I'm just going to leave it alone.) We did apply for on base housing, so I'll be moving to North Carolina sometime this year (with any luck). And Craig SHOULD be getting leave within the next 2 weeks (so maybe I'll be able to see my husband again very soon, unless he goes up north to meet the rest of my family.)
Ofi and I went to the store today and bought Mara these chime toys that hang from her car seat (and she really seems to like them, they calm her down and make her smile... it was so cute!) and Ofi bought her a new dress. It's adorable with little sea horses and starfish and bubbles around the hem! I love it so much. I'm so lucky to have the friends I do. I knew when I got pregnant who I'd be losing as friends (simply because they're too immature to handle pregnancy/babies/etc. and they wouldn't want to be around a baby) but I wasn't sure when it came to some of the people I was closer to or hadn't even seen in a while. Like Ofi - I hadn't really spoken to her all that much since senior year when I was expelled :( So when I got a hold of her again it was great! I missed her so much and she's changed (but not too much.) I knew Rich was going to be around for me - hell, if he wasn't he'd be in for a serious but whooping (not from me either, his mother would kill him.)
I did see Barb and Joe (Steve's parents) recently, as well. I need to go by and let them know Craig and I got married. They've been doing well and Barb's in school and Steve's turning 18... Everyone is growing up and time is just flying by!
For the past 4 days (tomorrow would have made day #5) Mara's been constipated. I mean not even a little bit of poop. She's been farting like crazy, but no pooping. I was getting worried and I was going to wait until Monday, but I talked to Bill (her nurse) tonight and wound up giving her a glycerin liquid suppository... she didn't seem to mind the actual giving of the medication, but once it started to work boy was she upset. Now that her system is cleared out I'm hoping she'll be doing better. I hate ever having her on formula... it's disgusting (I tried some once and it made me nauseated...)
Anyway, I'm going to be getting to bed, it's getting late and I still have to call Craig back...
Oh, and I might be getting a Yaris sedan! Yay! (I need 4 doors... damn it.)
- Location:South Carolina, Georgia, "Flevoland" USA
- Mood:Busy
- Music:Engima is the most recent thing I've burned my ears with
Mara's been getting bigger... I think she's starting to smile, but I can never tell if it's gas or sneakiness. Craig did his first jump yesterday and I haven't heard from him so I'm assuming he's dead (but I'm probably wrong).
Today I have an appointment to get birth control (I'm getting Mirena), and tomorrow is not only court, but therapy on top of it all. I'm hoping today goes well and I don't die from anything... I'm also hoping that I get my daughter back and we can get packed and ready for Georgia. I have lots of laundry to do before I can leave (because I seriously don't have the clothes for the trip).
Then it's off to Georgia. The 17th is my father's birthday, Craig and I will legally wed on Friday and sometime next week I'll be coming home. I've been thinking more and more about that word: 'home.' I wish I could leave this place and find 'home' but I'm here for now... until I move to another place. I want to go all over the world and I want to take my daughter with me. I want to go to Australia, Tibet, Germany, The Czech Republic, Sweden, Switzerland, Denmark, Holland, Russia, Brazil, Antarticia, Canada, The Caicos... I want to go all over the place and see everything I can. I want to fill dozens of photograph books with images from all over the world.
Mara's been resting for nearly an hour and I expect her to awake sometime soon, so I'll be going. Pretending my silly dreams can come true and hoping one day they will.
- Location:The Den
- Mood:Relaxed
- Music:Watching The Intrepreter
Early this morning she laughed and smiled at me - it was just three short "ha ha ha"s and that was it, she hasn't done it since, but I thought it was the sweetest thing! I tried o call her father and tell him, but apparently his phone is off. And it's still off...
Then just a few moments ago she clicked three times. It was so cute!
Anyway, I'm keeping this short because Ofi's over.
Anyway... I know the wedding will be a success and will be perfect for us if we just keep our heads up and make sure to just do what makes us happy - even if we spill a little rice along the way. (Double meaning...)
- Location:The Den
- Music:plan-ie
Okay, I know it's been a while since the last time I posted and I'm sorry. Mara's been taking up most of my time. When I did have a free moment tonight I was going to go to a birthday part at Eric & Ally's house but I didn't leave early enough and everyone was leaving by the time I was getting ready (it's a Saturday night, I figured they'd all be out late, but I was wrong). So Eric and Allie and I are probably going to all hang out tomorrow.
Craig and I haven't been getting along too well in the past few days... he's reminding me why we were so on-and-off when we were younger. I'm at the point where I just don't care anymore. I'm with him and that's that and there's no point in trying to leave him or think about being with another man. It's gone from one drug to the next and now he's on alcohol... and I'm sick of trying to get him to quit. It was always me trying to help him and he just didn't care and the only reason he stopped anything in the past was because I threatened to leave him. Then it got to the point where he'd pick pot over me... so we were done. Then I went back to him. I don't know why, but I figure it saves headaches to just be really mad at him and ignore the fact that he doesn't care than to go and break up and get back together.
We're getting married this month... in about 12 days or so... I'm not scared or apprehensive or even excited about it. It's just like we're doing something for paperwork and that's it. I'm marrying him because I know Mara needs her Daddy... just like I needed my real parents growing up. And it wouldn't be fair to keep her from him and there's no other way she can see him so often. I'd rather be miserable for the rest of my life and know my daughter was happy than to be selfish and keep her here...
Maybe I'll have my own house (or at the very least an apartment) and I'll be able to decorate and design... Even if it's just a small space, it'll be mine. Then I'll start planning the wedding. It's going to be nice and small and casual. I don't want a big fancy wedding like I thought I did. I was thinking formal, black tie, military themed, Kentucky, horses... but now I'm thinking small, casual, no theme, just pretty greens and whites... maybe silver (but that may feel too formal) Just our immediate family and closest friends (which will be hard if we have a certain number we're allowed to go to, but I'm thinking 25 not including myself, Mara and Craig. (So about 30 total, if two people bring guests - probably Rich and Ofi)
I'm hoping to get back into painting again... soon... I'm wanting to start with oils this time, because I never did do much of anything with oils before and I've seen what can be done with them over time. Maybe I can make a career out of my art again. I've had someone offer to buy one of my acrylic paintings after it was in a gallery once. It was exciting and even though I couldn't part with the painting (and I realize now that I should have) it felt great to have someone admire my work enough to want to buy it.
So anyway, I went into the extra bedroom for the first time today really since
Well, in my cleaning frenzy I managed to come across three things the surprised me. One was a letter from Chad from before he told his parents I was pregnant - apologizing for not telling them and not realizing how it made me feel and tell me that our relationship was about us and not what other people thought of me. The other was a journal I'd written in where I said that I was thinking about leaving Chad and marrying Craig for the convenience of it all and because I'd said how easy it was for Chad to turn into an asshole - obviously it wasn't meant to be (who am I trying to convince?)
The third thing was a list of my goals. (see my pervious journal entry for the complete list...) Anyway, I’m going to get back to watching HGTV (Woo!)
- Location:The Den
- Music:Snazzing HGTV theme music
I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude,
It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.
I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?
But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?
Oh, I thought the world of you.
I thought nothing could go wrong,
But I was wrong. I was wrong.
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.
But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?
And I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?
You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?
- Location:home
- Mood:Moving on
- Music:'Linger' by the Cranberries
Nothing makes me smile more than just looking at her and having her bright little eyes glancing back up at me as though she's thinking "Who is this strange woman and why isn't her breast in my mouth?"
I don't know how quickly babies are supposed to be doing things, but she's only 2 weeks old and she's already pushing herself up with her arms when she's on her stomach and inching along with her legs. She can also roll from her stomach or back to her side, but not all the way yet.
She seems content just being close to me, and I love that. Having a baby certainly makes me feel like a selfish person - I feel complete having someone totally and completly rely on me for existance, to have a love I have to earn by catering to her every whim - a love that grows on need and partially on instinct.
I adore my daughter and I love her more than anything else in the world, but I wonder if I'm doing the right thing sometimes. How much time should she be sleeping? How much time should she be stimuliated? What should we do when we play? Am I holding her right? Her hiccups scare me because she gets them so often. Is it normal? What am I supposed to say to her? What do I read to her? Is it okay for me to eat this or that? What about TV?
My head is spinning with questions, I'm looking forward to Friday when we see the peditrician...
Also, I've been busy planning a secret :) You'll all find out what it is soon.
- Location:Home
- Mood:Worried
- Music:Sweet Silence
Mara's umbilical stump fell off this afternoon! How exciting! At exactally one week! She's still got a bit of stuff in there and it doesn't look very healed, so I'm trying to keep it as clean as possible.
Craig and I talked twice today and he's doing better than he was yesterday, but I'm still worried about him. I miss him and I know being away from Mara is hard (and he knows I do)... I don't know exactally how he feels, but I know that he misses her more than he ever thought he could.
I just love her so much, I didn't think I could ever be this happy without trying to be. Everything in life is just falling together perfectly now that she's here. I feel like someone really needs me to just be me for them for once and I know if I weren't here than Mara wouldn't be living her life as best she could. I know I provide her with something no one else can. There's just so much love in my heart for her. I never want her to be taken from me again.
Rich came home today - taking my day from a 6 to a 10. He gave me a "baby shower in a box". It was the sweetest thing anyone's done for me so far and just makes me more proud to call him my best friend. He knows how badly my first baby shower went (compared to my expectations) and he put so much into making sure that I was happy. He got Mara some really beautiful and useful things that I would have never thought of getting her. He loves her so much already.
I guess it's true what my midwife said about the 2007 year of the pig, she will have so much love in her life. I feel like I don't need to worry about anyone loving her if anything ever happens to me because she will be surrounded by so many people that love her so much. I never want to be away from her now, though. Even though my life feels complete it doesn't feel done. I would never take myself away from my little angel now.
Alex and Ofi also came over tonight. Alex fixed my hair (pictures to come soon) it's now short, red and pratical. I don't have to do anything to it. It's very mom-ish.
I'm starting to realize what a different world parenthood is already. Most of my friends have no clue what I mean when I say I need to "pump" (my breastmilk for storage). I don't seem to need sleep and my daughter's pooping faces are possibly the most adorable thing I've ever seen in my life (and worth talking about with everyone.)
Also, on ABC.com you can see TV shows... Notes from the Underbelly is one of the funniest shows I've seen in ages. The first and second episodes are avaiable online. Definatly something I want the box set of. But who has time for regular TV? I need to multitask on the computer if I want to stay in touch with people...
Well I need to pump and get to bed, grocery store tomorrow morning... maybe one of these days I'll get to spend a full 24-hours with my daughter (something I haven't done since the first 48 hours of her life... and I'm already missing out on.)
- Location:Home
- Mood:Joyful
- Music:Nora Jones
I was in and out of Vista in 3 days, as promised. I have a session with my therapist on the 25th (not really looking forward to that).
My parents have temporary legal guardianship over her and I can't be alone with her without one of them supervising (which is bullshit and sucks, and doesn't even make sense, but whatever.)
I have court on the 23rd in Georgia for a speeding ticket... which I probably won't make. Court on the 16th of May to get my daughter back to being fully mine.
I'm going to be moving in with Craig sometime around June... he and I are together again... he's happy.
Friday, April 13, 2007
6lb 5oz 19in
And perfect!
- Location:Home - finally
- Mood:Joyful
- Music:Putting Mara to sleep with Nora Jones
I'm not going to call a bunch of people to come to the hospital. Why should I? No one but Ofi came to the baby shower, why should anyone but her and Craig be there for the birth? No one gave a damn enough when I needed help, but I'm sure everyone's all excited about a new baby. Well guess what - she's my fucking daughter, not a god damn novelty you can just be interested in when it suits you.
So I'm not telling anyone because I don't want anyone else there... they can see her when I'm out of Vista. Maybe. I'm not okay with leaving my daughter for even a short period of time. And personally I think this is all bullshit.
- Location:CCH
- Mood:Pissed
- Music:Sound of other people dying around me.
Anyway, he's coming back tomorrow morning (he said around 7) with a lawyer so I'm hoping I'll be out of here by tomorrow morning. I'm going to try to get some sleep now, though, because it's going to be a long night and Mara and I need our rest! Still sort of hoping that he's not here to claim me, but I wouldn't fight it if he were...
Hum, strange... just found one of his eyelashes on my bed... weird.
- Location:CCH
- Mood:Relieved
- Music:Commercial Jingles
Rich warned me that divorce would be likly if we married for convience, and that it would (in the long run) effect her more negativly than if Craig and I were never together. But I don't think that's true.
Chad and I will never work out because he's too blind to understand that I care about him. He's also so dense to think that I would "sabatoge his chance at happiness". I don't understand him anymore, he's becoming paranoid and obsessed with this Holly person and more people than just myself believe that it will not work out... there's more than one reason before it, but that's okay.
I'm stuck in a strange place right now and I really don't know what to do. I want to get away from everything at this point. I'm pretty sure that Ofi and I will move to Alaska regardless of my marital status. I still want to. I can't wait to get out of this hospital and back to living my life. It's been a long, annoying stream of bullshit that I'm getting sick of listening to and I'm ready to go nuts.
Apparently all the sitters that come in here think I did something to hurt myself, so they come in biased - I don't want them in my room anymore. This stupid old bitch tonight said "Well they don't want you to go out and hurt yourself again." I couldn't help but to think: You have no idea who I am or why I'm here. How dare you make presumptions about me and what I'd do to myself and my daughter, you cow. What gives you the right to make a biased opinion about me? But I didn't say anything, mostly because Rich's mom was here and I don't like being a bitch infront of her. She's a moron anyway. I was watching Jepordy and she was listening and the question was "What Best Picture contained the name of a real person - who was alive 400 years ago"... her response? "I didn't think they had movies that long ago..." (I want to throw her across the room) The answer was "What is Shakspeare in Love". Yeah, you dumb bitch, Shakspeare was shooting films in the 1700s.
Anywho... I'm going to get going and watch some TV before taking a nap. Byes!
- Location:CCH... but not for long, damn it
- Mood:Very Pregnant
- Music:none
A SERMON ON ETHICS AND LOVE
One day Mal-2 asked the messenger spirit Saint Gulik to approach the Goddess and request Her presence for some desperate advice. Shortly afterwards the radio came on by itself, and an ethereal female Voice said YES?
"O! Eris! Blessed Mother of Man! Queen of Chaos! Daughter of Discord! Concubine of Confusion! O! Exquisite Lady, I beseech You to lift a heavy burden from my heart!"
WHAT BOTHERS YOU, MAL? YOU DON'T SOUND WELL.
"I am filled with fear and tormented with terrible visions of pain. Everywhere people are hurting one another, the planet is rampant with injustices, whole societies plunder groups of their own people, mothers imprison sons, children perish while brothers war. O, woe."
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THAT, IF IT IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?
"But nobody wants it! Everybody hates it."
OH. WELL, THEN STOP.
At which moment She turned herself into an aspirin commercial and left The Polyfather stranded alone with his species.
- Location:CCH
- Mood:Contemplative
- Music:Patience - G&R
I owe Alan a lot for tonight. I owe Alan's aching heart a lot right now, because if it weren't for him I don't think I would have actually opened my eyes to see what I needed to see.
I owe Nathan a lot too - he told me a while ago that this thing with Chad and Holly wouldn't last. Pat confirmed it. Because he's not over Tricia, because he's trying to find happiness in others instead of learning how to make himself happy first, he can never commit. I don't know if we'll ever have that chance again, though I would like it - more than a lot of things. But right now I'm not hurting and I'm content with it.
But here's a part of the conversation that Alan and I had tonight that fixed things in me... things that I didn't think could be fixed and things that I desparatly needed to be fixed:
Me (9:04:57 PM): Well how about - stop focusing on how sad you are about someone who doesn't realize how wonderful you are, stop thinking about the person you're obviously not supposed to be with and enjoy your youth while you have it. When you're truly ready for love it will find you.
Alan (9:05:52 PM): I know...I just really loved her, and we were super close. Its not just some random girl. We were like soul mates
Me (9:05:46 PM): ...
Me (9:05:52 PM): You sound like me with
Me (9:06:01 PM): You soulmate doesn't leave you
Me (9:06:13 PM): I had to be told that and it hurt like hell but it was true
Alan (9:06:50 PM): I know...you're so right...but...Im still not over it and Im still not sure of myself
Me (9:06:44 PM): I'm not telling you to be over it.
Me (9:07:19 PM): It's going to take a while for it to stop hurting and you need to heal yourself, not let other people make all the pain go away
Me (9:08:01 PM): You have a right to be unsure of yourself, but ask anyone you know who cares about you - we know you're worth something and that you're a great person and that you deserve love from someone who really knows what you are worth.
Alan (9:08:54 PM): sadly, she does know what Im worth...she just really fucked up and cant take it back. So...I just want this to be over with
Me (9:09:01 PM): *hugs you*
Alan (9:09:29 PM): eber...
Alan (9:09:31 PM): thank you
Me (9:10:07 PM): You are my panda, Alan. Be happy
Alan (9:10:57 PM): aw...you've always been a good friend to me. Im sorry Im not more emotionally here when you need it right now. I know what you are going through is much harder than what I am, but its hard to lose somebody you adore
Me (9:12:41 PM): It's okay that you're not here for me, you have your own stuff to deal with right now. It would be selfish of me to not understand and accept that you're going through a hard time right now too
Me (9:13:16 PM): So I'm just doing my best to help where I can, because really there's nothing I can do for you execpt remind you that you're a great guy and that you don't deserve to be hurt.
Alan (9:13:54 PM): you've done the best job so far, amazingly
Alan (9:14:13 PM): I read through a little bit of your livejournal. You really are an amazing writier when it comes to talking about yourself.
Alan (9:14:21 PM): I recently started writing in panda-poco again
Me (9:15:14 PM): I just try to be honest when I write *blush*
Alan (9:15:42 PM): its really nice
Alan (9:15:53 PM): http://panda-poco.diaryland.com is alive again, which is sad
Me (9:17:00 PM): *read*
Me (9:17:04 PM): reads*
Me (9:21:23 PM): *hugs you*
Alan (9:21:47 PM): aw
Me (9:21:49 PM): I know how you feel hon, I really do. And this is one of the few times anyone can say it and be honest about it.
Alan (9:22:29 PM): I cant even imagine athena...but its just so weird. I want this to be over
Me (9:22:50 PM): I know, Alan.
Alan (9:23:42 PM): Im slightly okay right now though
Alan (9:23:47 PM): maybe not in five minutes, who knows
Me (9:23:50 PM): I'd tell you to be female and get something to eat
Alan (9:24:28 PM): I havent eaten all day
Me (9:24:29 PM): Well... maybe you should eat something, then
Alan (9:25:02 PM): I should. I should do something too...I need to shower and stuff
Me (9:25:12 PM): Alright, well take some "me time" and relax.
Alan (9:25:48 PM): Im trying. As long as you do the same
Me (9:25:37 PM): I will
Me (9:35:30 PM): Oh, and just remember, no matter how much you're hurting there's always people somewhere who want to make you stop hurting
Me (9:35:41 PM): Like me and your friends in
Alan (9:36:14 PM): aw...I know. Im glad I have some friends left
Me (9:36:54 PM): You'll always have me as a friend, unless you don't want me anymore
Me (9:36:55 PM): k?
Alan (9:37:58 PM): of course I want you with me...I'll be there for you too, Im just kinda dumb right now
Me (9:37:56 PM): You're not dumb, you're wounded.
Me (9:37:59 PM): There's a difference
Alan (9:38:33 PM): I hope so
Me (9:41:46 PM): Just remember, if you don't put yourself out there to be hurt, life isn't worth living, and when you do put yourself out there and you do get hurt, life is worth pulling through for because through all the failure one day you will be happy... even if you think you can't bear it, and even if you think you hate someone because they seem to lack feelings for you despite what they've promised or said, remember they are the people that aren't worth your time
Me (9:42:44 PM): Those are the people who don't know how to make themselves happy and they seek it out in relationships with other people. They're the people who set out to make others happy without being happy themselves so they don't know how to do it and once the initial "puppy love" effect wears off they don't know how to deal with the relationship.
Alan (9:43:29 PM): how did you get so strong and smart, athena?
Me (9:43:29 PM): because i've been hurt a lot.
Me (9:43:39 PM): it's the only way you get that.
Me (9:46:59 PM): Just look at it this way, if there weren't people in the world to hurt us then the relationships with our friends and those who truly care about us would never grow and become so meaningful.
So even though
Alan (9:50:04 PM): I know. I know...but romance is what I live for. One day, I'll have it, and within that, a best friend.
So that's the conversation.
Craig is coming home this week on emergency leave to take care of Mara incase she comes or I have to be induced. I had to go through the Red Cross, and the woman I spoke to was very kind and very efficent in the matter. She got everything done so quickly today. So Craig is probably going to try to come to the hosptial in uniform and bring a deputy with him to get me out of the hospital. So I may be going home this week. Let's all hope.
- Location:CCH
- Mood:Fixed
- Music:Dolt
